So it begins... I'm going to therapy, double time.

I wrote this blog back in February and never published it for some reason. It does lack some polishing, but glancing back at it now, I thought it might be nice for all of you to know a little about my my "pre-therapy" mindset. Now someday when I am a famous therapist publishing her 10th book and working wonders, you can say "I remember when Dr. Savage almost threw up in supervision because she was so scared." Enjoy.

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After a little over a semester of classes I'm being thrown into the fire. I've already begun some clinical work, but next week I will probably see my very first, bonafide (get ready for it): client. This means that some unwitting individual will soon be sitting across from me in a small room, telling me their personal problems, and saying, in effect, "so what do I do Doc?"

This prospect is at times exhiliriating to me, but as the day for the dream to become a reality has neared it has become more often verging on terrifying, and lately, it has taken a turn to grievious.

I have begun meeting with a supervisor (who is there to make sure the other interns and I don't do any serious damage to these poor souls coming to us for help) and both of my sessions with her are shared with other interns who have already been working with clients for a while. This means that currently the vast majority of the our time is spent on them talking about their most difficult cases. Yesterday when we met the cases discussed were particularly horrific (details aside, childhood abuse was the centerpeice), and we actually watched a video of one client describing in a therapy session what they had been through. I'll grant that I was having a low day anyway, but my emotional reaction snuck up on me. One moment I was calmly discussing theory and treatment practicallities and the next I was on the verge of weeping and throwing up. I felt certain that were I in the room with that client I could have kept my emotions from taking over in their presence, but I wondered how on earth I could deal with it once I left. On top of an imperfect personal life, how can I ever expect myself to be able to deal with other people's darkness as well as my own?

Barely holding it together, before I left the session I asked my supervisor if she went to much therapy herself to deal with it all, expecting her to say something like "this was difficult today wasn't it?" But instead heard:

"No. You know... I go home everyday to a really supportive husband, and that basically keeps me from needing other help."

"Brilliant. So, does being single mean I'll always need professional help then?"

I didn't say that. This was in fact the last straw for me that day, so I left and I found myself an empty therapy room in the clinic to do a little self-of-the-therapist work (thank God they keep tissues in those rooms) before pulling myself together and heading home... where I told my best friend about my day and went to pieces all over again, after which, I felt much better.

Then, as though Lean on Me had begun playing in my head, I remembered that I have friends. Supportive friends who will help carry me through this... but on the other hand (I thought), "this" isn't a random activity, this is the job I'm signing up for. Like everyday for the rest of my life.

I've had many conversations with a friend of mine who just recently started off in social work. She tells me how rewarding it all is, but how draining. How she feels like if one thing goes wrong she can't cope.

The truly ironic thing in all of this is that I am actually required to go to 6hrs of therapy for my training, but I have yet to contact my therapist. I guess this is my cue.

This is how I feel today. And this is only one day, but, be it only a day, it matters.

Besides my school and clinical work I find myself spending much of my time grieving that I am still a passive cog in the machine that continues the suffering of the majority of the world's population. My life costs them, and I let it. It's so hard to change.

I'm not sure how this connects to anything I've just said, but if you have a few minutes listen to this song. Listen to every word.

Equally Skilled