Last night while sharing Dairy Queen blizzards an old friend and I talked about our hopes and dreams. Frequently when I talk with this friend I feel a little disconnected because our understandings of God and religion are very different. This was the case last night until she shared with me her vision of saving the impoverished children of India. She said "I see them in my mind, their faces, and over and over I tell God 'I want them; I WANT them. I'll bring your kingdom to them.'"
As she spoke my heart began to beat faster and my chest became suddenly tight. The kingdom.
I almost told her to stop. "Stop. Stop hoping, stop believing, and look around. No kingdom is coming, people just waste their lives fighting for a world, a humanity, long lost, spinning out of control in depraved madness. Stop. You'll only break your heart."
Because mine is broken. Talk of the kingdom is excruciating when living in the reality of this world. But the non-sensesical fact of the matter (that sometimes makes me want to scream in frustration at we humans' ability to hold mutually exclusive beliefs) is that the constriction in my chest is the choke of real, history defying hope. I can feel it caught in my throat. If only I had really given up I could live in blissful apathy, but instead my belief in a world of peace, joy, and love in the face of the loathsome actuality, pulls me down till I am prostrate with mourning for what could be but is not.
With C.S. Lewis I am surprised to realize that instead of believing that there can be no good God because of the state of the world, I find myself more sure that only a being of divine love could instill a vision of goodness so deep that even the horrendous deaths of children does not kill it. What kind of being could do this? How very deep this truth must be. A kingdom. It has surprised me since I have been back that, though most of what I considered my "Christian faith" a couple of years ago is gone, my belief in the kingdom is stronger and more real than ever.
It seems that now that I have seen more darkness, and believe in its silencing, abominable reality, love is also more real. At times it seems to be a tangible presence in the room. In these moments, despite myself and my fury at the God who allows this darkness, I hear my soul crying "Here I am Lord, send me."
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Wow. Thank you for writing this. I don't have much else to say, except that it's 1am and this has touched me, as cliche as that sounds, you know what I mean friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I do know what you mean, and I love you for it.
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